Fresh Tweets We Plucked From the Depths of Twitter (May 3, 2023)

Author image for Ada Elder
Ada Elder
May 3, 2023 2:00 PM EDT

Like it or not, social media addiction is a 100% real affliction. And boy, are we afflicted. At the start of each day, I have dreams. Goals. Hopes. Wants. For example, I've been staring at Fernando Pessoa's The Book of Disquiet for months now. It's collecting dust on my bedside table, and yesterday I promised myself I would read at least a few of the poems. By the time I finished my work for the day, I was too brain-dead to even turn a page. That's where social media came in. 

Instead of reading some intimate and darkly relatable poetry, I spent my evening staring at two screens. On one was the new David Attenborough series Wild Isles, and on the smaller screen was Instagram and Twitter. But mostly Twitter. The amount of time I spend mindlessly scrolling is honestly disturbing. So in the spirit of escaping the infinite scroll, here are some fresh and funny tweets we've compiled so you can enjoy the wit of Twitter without scrolling your life away. You're welcome.

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  • 01
    Font - GEF stoned cold fox @roastmalone_ the best part of starting a new job is all 4 of your grandparents are alive again. 4:41 PM 4/30/23 872K Views 1,490 Retweets 184 Quotes
    via @roastmalone_
  • 02
    Font - Iris @Jest_Iris reliable, consistent, unproblematic. this is the ideal brother in law relationship Thanks! Thanks! . S Seth > Apr 30, 2022 at 12:56 PM Happy birthday Seth!!! Apr 30, 2022 at 3:14 PM Yesterday 4:47 PM Happy birthday Seth!!! 12:54 PM 5/1/23 from Earth. 160K Views 92 Retweets 8 Quotes ... 0 Delivered
    via @Jest_Iris
  • 03
    Font - m@thew @Tweet Potato314 caught the ups driver sleeping with my wife Q Search Amazon.com Subtotal $8,8776⁰ 48 Proceed to checkout (48 items) Send as a gift. Include custom message SYNERGEE Synergee 32kg Cast Iron Kettlebell Weights for Streng... $184⁹5 prime In Stock Color: j) 32KG Delete O 0 Compare with similar items 9:12 PM 4/30/23 from Earth. 278K Views 405 Retweets 10 Quotes Save for later
    via @TweetPotato314
  • 04
    Facial expression - cait @punished_cait wait that's him BEFORE the CGI? why did they even fucking bother??? Okiro @TheFirstOkiro 14h Graham Hamilton behind the scenes in the Book of Boba Fett Show this thread 人人有 2,555 Retweets 37 Quotes ... el wwwwww 8:53 PM 4/30/23 from Earth. 1.6M Views
    via @punished_cait
  • 05
    Font - zach silberberg @zachsilberberg thinking about the time i was invited to a house party where the host was a girl who ghosted me on tinder and i was like yeah fuck it whatever and when i showed up she opened the door and went "boo! that was me ghosting you. come on in" 1:42 PM 4/30/23 from Earth. 1.5M Views 981 Retweets 80 Quotes
    via @zachsilberberg
  • 06
    Product - gaz @gazpachomachine Shower Food Review 41: Toast- I'm often in a rush in the morning so this was very convenient. I can preload the toaster the night before so I always have hot & fresh toast ready to go. And before you say something like "this is dangerous" no it's not, I used electrical tape. 8/10 JEWJIO
    via @gazpachomachine
  • 07
    Facial expression - madison @xgigglypuff yes I can prove I went to harvard, but can you prove you're not desperate in my DMs ? YTISEIVIMU CHAVЯAH a bratkais tak prost del d . Det Pagabbandon LEDE you = Would you do a 10-15 minute phone session with me ?? I have Amazon e-gift card /and paypal,,, You would call me from blocked number 717- We can cum together,, My name is giorgio 2:15 PM boots on !! 7:09 PM Wednesday, April 5 Wednesday This media is hidden It's hidden since it's from someone you do
    via @xgigglypuff
  • 08
    Font - Kizzy @NoKizzyLane i'm kinda clingy in a relationship..i like my space but i want you in my space while i have my space if that makes sense 5:05 PM 4/29/23 from Earth 2.8M Views 19.4K Retweets 1,026 Quotes
    via @NoKizzyLane
  • 09
    Font - Torin Monahan @TorinMonahan Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: "I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model." Ooof! 4:15 PM 4/29/23 from Earth 1.9M Views 946 Retweets 175 Quotes
    via @NoKizzyLane
  • 10
    Font - my [69F] boyfriend [420M] is texting... @CartoonsHateHer A lot of men on Twitter seem to be under a collective delusion that 15 years ago, there were hot Barbie-esque women working at every restaurant. The truth is, 15 years ago you didn't have Instagram and normal women seemed hotter. 10:18 AM 4/29/23 from Earth. 2.2M Views 3,842 Retweets 143 Quotes
    via @CartoonsHateHer
  • 11
    Facial expression - t-sheezy @sheezy_t Marvin Gaye family don't even work, they just put they ear up to the radio Daily Loud @DailyLoud-4d Ed Sheeran in NYC court for federal copyright trial over Marvin Gaye classic "Let's Get it On" DAILY Est. 2012 LOUD 8:53 PM 4/25/23 from Earth - 8.2M Views . ... 13.3K Retweets 734 Quotes
    via @sheezy_t
  • 12
    Water - The Jay Agenda @JayJurden The inverse dogs George Civeris @georgeciveris. 1d This Page Six photo of Don Lemon is what we've been fighting for. 1:28 PM 4/28/23 from Earth. 1.7M Views 1,720 Retweets 63 Quotes ... :
    via @JayJurden
  • 13
    Hairstyle - Momo @Momo2clef Not me coming to the DMV and they told me I have a warrant out for my arrest since 2020 Abbon Elementary 12:07 PM 4/28/23 from Earth. 3.2M Views ... 5,394 Retweets 752 Quotes
    via @Momo2clef
  • 14
    Sleeve - mill @Millfamill I used to think this was all pussy 1:05 PM 4/28/23 from Earth. 6.9M Views . 2,350 Retweets 1,574 Quotes
    via @Millfamill
  • 15
    Product - viviana @starlitgf we need better education in the United States i can't do this janito @yassnito. 3h 70% sugar is actually crazy y'all need to stop manifesting diabetes diana @erascines. 1d look at this tall boba I got last night im crying Show this thread 140 1/1 #160 Bubble Milk Tea (Large) 經典奶茶(大) 50% Ice 70% Sugar, Jumbo size MFF. t 605 ... 7,539 ₁578K 企
    via @starlitgf
  • 16
    Font - Guy Freire @guy_freire Really love how the standard of evidence for untold millions of Americans is "some guy said this on TikTok and that's good enough for me” ByBulletBombandDagger X @DaggerAndBullet 19h A lot of you haven't properly thought through how we're going to fight the nephilim when they resurface...but you should. 435 1321 1 20 Man with handgun @Steroid Enjoyer ByBulletBomband Dagger X @DaggerAndBullet 19h The Saudis currently have a living one in a well-guarded facility. Door
    via @guy_freire
  • 17
    Shirt - GRITCULT (build mode) @GRITCULT if you live in a 3rd world country n u see a dude that looks like an accountant with a 1000 yard stare its over for you dawg 1:49 PM 4/28/23 1.1M Views . 2,296 Retweets 102 Quotes
    via @GRITCULT
  • 18
    Font - Elizabeth @doitmuvaaa Jerry springer died i know that camera man followed him all the way down to hell 2:47 PM 4/27/23 360K Views . 518 Retweets 193 Quotes
    via @doitmuvaaa
  • 19
    Organism - Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen. okay how does she have an ass crack given she's just a standard, if extremely well- endowed mermaid in the front. like anatomically how would that work Italy "Too provocative' mermaid statue causes stir in southern Italy Art school headteacher hails 'tribute to the great majority of women who are curvy' amid social media uproar lfo Marciano, the headteacher of the Luigi Ro hailed the statue as a 'tribute to the great mi en who are curvy'. Photograph: Mono
    via @BrandyLJensen.
  • 20
    Font - vale @rre2make lesbian: im a lesbian society: ok resident evil fans: you should play resident evil 10:26 PM 4/27/23 306K Views 3,430 Retweets 186 Quotes
    via @rre2make
  • 21
    Font - annelyse @annelysegelman my friend auden submitted a poem called "chair" to the new yorker that's just a lowercase h. gets a form rejection. so he sends "2 chairs" (h h). rejection. i think he's up to like 7 or 8 chairs now since each rejection takes months. great bit, can't wait to publish the chapbook 11:42 PM 4/27/23 721K Views . 1,422 Retweets 29 Quotes
    via @annelysegelman
  • 22
    Font - You Will Find Your People NYC 4/2... @hellolanemoore A man I don't know just made a really bad joke about me having a dog and for once, I didn't Polite Woman Laugh. I just stared at him like "are you happy you said that? Are you proud?" and he looked so stunned that I didn't Polite Woman Laugh. 20/10 recommend this method. 11:20 AM 4/28/23 1.8M Views . 3,081 Retweets 309 Quotes
    via @hellolanemoore
  • 23
    Nose - Scooter TM @scooter_sean it can't be that good Os Orlando Sentinel @orlandosentinel. 4d Goofy's head goes for $19,000 at auction trib.al/ e4xS1E4 11:41 AM 12/13/22 Twitter for iPhone . 13.7K Retweets 195 Quote Tweets 104K Likes :
    via @scooter_sean
  • 24
    Font - Anna Krauthamer @AnnaKrauthamer in sixth grade i totally fabricated the results of my science fair project and won 1st place. it was about hamsters/music and i said that the rock music ones ripped each others' heads off and the classical ones became utter geniuses, and they loved it. i never even had hamsters 10:08 PM 4/26/23 199K Views 150 Retweets 27 Quotes
    via @AnnaKrauthamer
  • 25
    Font - derek guy @dieworkwear i used to be active on a menswear forum where one member contacted a small fabric mill in italy, ordered some swatches from two different years of production, and burned them at home to compare the color of the smoke to prove to other members they were wearing a cotton-poly blend Tiste Andii @mortaliing 2h This is genuinely insane behaviour. Twitter is full of crazy people. twitter.com/dieworkwear/st... 7:08 PM 4/27/23 739K Views 664 Retweets 100 Quotes
    via @dieworkwear
  • 26
    Font - Roxy @RoxyTall reading reviews to decide on which romance novel to read next and.. ;3 388 reviews 785 followers contemporary this bitch needs to see a gynaecologist ASAP her panties get wet like every chapter. the guy literally just breathes on her and she's like HEEEEELP MY PUSSY'S GONE CRAZY 117 likes 12 comments Like Comment ... 1:20 AM 4/27/23 134K Views Follow 197 Retweets 15 Quotes May 2, 2021
    via @RoxyTall
  • 27
    Gesture - I dated an it girl actress who went up to seattle to shoot a movie and a few days in called me from her male costars hotel room after making him breakfast and I knew then my plant-sitting duties would be coming to an end Y on Best of Sydney Sweeney (Fan Account) - 1d "I love when she calls me Top Gun." - - Glen Powell on Sydney Sweeney's nickname she uses for him DUNI Y Con Y Con joshua turek @JoshuaTurek TY Con CinemaCon SONY Cinema SO Cine SO CinemaC SON . macon SON ine Co Y 1:59 PM
    via @JoshuaTurek
  • 28
    Font - Charles J. Moore @charles270 I see the sadness in your reflection. Andrea Morgan @AndreaDMorgan. 2d It's all fun and games till the full up $ This Sale 99.4 21.855 Gallons : ...
    via @charles270
  • 29
    Product - Stasiann @ziiz_zy Respect to detailed book dedications like these ones To my first boyfriend, Nick. Thanks for letting me borrow some of our history in this story. You were a deadbeat, but goddamn your dick was huge. To my wife Marganit and my children Ella Rose and Daniel Adam without whom this book would have been completed two years earlier with fans of Nick Hornby, Sloan a fun, hip datin AVAILABLE is For my wife, who somehow managed to be nothing but supportive of a book about all
    via @ziiz_zy
  • 30
    Forehead - Nobody better in all of Hollywood when you need to fill the role of the seemingly harmless nice guy next door who's really a monster deep down inside. We respect Meth Damon in this house. Bizlet @bizlet7.4d What does this man have on Hollywood executives that they put him in prestige tv shows? Show this thread
    via @
  • 31
    Font - BASED SAVAGE @crackcobain___ You know you're horrible person when ya holding a baby and they reach for someone else while cryin LMAOO 7:31 PM 4/30/23 from Earth. 948K Views 1,588 Retweets 206 Quotes
    via @crackcobain___
  • 32
    Font - i frew up :( @doulbedoink A Heartbreaking Tragedy: Your Friend Who Is Deathly Insecure About Being Annoying Is Actually Annoying 11:41 AM 5/1/23 from Earth. 1.5M Views . 4,559 Retweets 2,309 Quotes
    via @doulbedoink
  • 33
    Font - Andrew Brandt @Andrew Brandt Negotiated with undrafted player one year, no agent. I said: "We'll do a 3-year deal with a $1,000 signing bonus. That work for you?" He was quiet, then said: "Mr. Brandt, I'm really sorry. I only have $200, but can get you the rest next week." "No, no," I said. "We pay you!" 6:36 PM 4/29/23 from Earth. 3.4M Views . 692 Retweets 122 Quotes
    via @AndrewBrandt
  • 34
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I've dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I'm doing or why. 12:25 PM 4/29/23 3M Views 340 Retweets 230 Quotes
    via @fesshole
  • 35
    Font - James Ray @Good Vibe Politik Nazis: "I want to kill people." Liberals: "Curious, your ideology has contradictions and you can't win a debate against me?" Nazis: "I will beat your head in with a hammer." Communists: "We should beat the Nazi's head in with a hammer first." Liberals: "Are you INSANE?" 10:44 AM 5/1/23 from Earth. 734K Views . : 3,746 Retweets 89 Quotes
    via @
  • 36
    Plant - Merriam-Webster Merriam- Webster @MerriamWebster Why are they called "eggplants"? Because they used to look like this. We hope this doesn't mess up your emoji game. ALT 11:54 AM 5/1/23 from Earth 558K Views . 780 Retweets 118 Quotes .
    via @
  • 37
    Font - wyatt dunkin @Wyatt Duncan remember when James cordon went to a writers guild meeting to advocate for lower pay guy @guymrdth.9h did james corden end his show just so he wouldn't have to support the strike 1:25 PM 5/2/23 from Earth. 1.2M Views 2,063 Retweets 63 Quotes
    via @

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